Thursday, May 18, 2017

Say Hello to Heaven...

I've been working the thoughts through my head for some time now...especially when people who touched you through words, music, art, whatever go and leave this world.

It's painful and you want to cry or you do cry and you're upset, but you never met this person.   It doesn't matter.  They touched you in some way and made you feel special.  They connected with you in a way that maybe no one else ever will.  At some point in your life, when you were feeling lost, alone, scared, angry, or whatever the situation, you felt like you weren't alone. These words made you feel like it was okay to be you just for a moment, like you weren't an outsider, you belonged somewhere and someone else actually felt like you.

It's amazing how artists can do that.  To have the ability to make you feel.  I mean really feel an emotion and you have a reaction.  Maybe it's not crying or sadness.  Maybe it's laughter to a song, because it brought back a memory of a crazy friend or you see a painting and it just takes your breath away.  To me, that takes skill and talent, and sometimes it takes a tortured soul to make it happen.

We'll never know what goes through the minds of those tortured souls that we lose.  I just hope that whatever pain they feel, it's gone.  I'm not saying it's good or bad, expected or whatever....I just wish...I dunno, I hope it's something we all wish...there was a different way.

I cried today.  I have to be honest.  When I heard that Chris Cornell was gone, I cried...in the shower, because it's where I feel I can let those emotions go.  I'd never met him, but his music hit me just right sometimes.  I mean I even had a friend buried to one of the songs from Temple of the Dog.  His music, to me, was a release.  He knew what I felt and it made me feel better that someone understood.  It was okay, that I was not alone and I could get through whatever was the problem at the time.  I was okay to be me.

So, when we lose these artists that touch us...I dunno.....It's just deflating.  You've lost another friend.  You've lost a part of your past that helped you through some times that were good/bad/or just meh...I wish I could tell these artists how much they've helped me and hope they actually get it.  You know.  Not just the yeah, another fan, thanks.  No you helped me through things.  I want to say thank you.  You saved my life.  You made me feel whole.

So, I guess all in all.  To the artist that have helped me through things...thank you.  I'm not doing a list because I'm not Jericho and I'm not putting you a list.  Just know that even as fans we're here too.  When you feel lost, we're here.


Saturday, October 08, 2016

My Sheldon Moment

I've had a "Sheldon Moment" as my husband calls it.  You know who Sheldon is, right?  From Big Bang Theory.  I'm not saying I'm smart, I'm just saying when it comes to social expectancies (is that a word), that sometimes I'm quite dim to them and/or just don't care.

My moment began after a very rough month and I needed to remove everything from my life...including Facebook. I needed simplicity.  I thought nothing of it.  All negativity(name calling for myself and my family), all people crapping on my dreams, every thing...Except for those who live in other countries or that I talk to consistently on Facebook (which isn't many).  Heck, half of you have personally told me you don't use FB on the regular.

So I un-friended people.  WOW!!  Who knew that un-friending people was a bad thing?  I just needed to clear people that I didn't talk to on Facebook.  I needed to make things simple.  Reduce the time of my nose in the phone, actually talk to people (well, text), and just be more available.  That didn't happen.  I offended people. I couldn't understand why (and still don't).  People were upset that I had deleted them.  The question is how many of them contacted me personally?  I can honestly say 2.  Those that contacted me understood what I was doing (or trying to do) and went with it.  The rest, called my husband or sent him a text to see what they did wrong...for those who say well, I didn't have her number...you can still send messages on FB without being someone's friend.  FYI

So here is my other thought.  Am I that unavailable where people just want to see what I do, but not talk to me?  Do they only want that friend count to make them feel important?  I don't know.  Truthfully, I don't care.  I do care that my husband was put in the middle of it and people were getting mad with him.  Don't get upset with him, he didn't do it.  So he asked me to re-friend people.  I did.  I can then unfollow some of these people. This is pointless to me.  So again, what's the point other than keeping everyone else happy, except me.

So here ya go folks.  You win.  You're still my friends even though I delete you from FB.  Stop being overly sensitive.  I didn't mean to upset anyone, just trying to keep things simple with those that I talk to on FB on a regular basis and in other countries.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Anxious and Agrivated

I know we recently had a full moon and I don't know if maybe I'm on edge about that or maybe what someone recently said to me...I had someone recently tell me that she just found out she was pregnant, but it was very unplanned and she was unsure of what to do.  Now this person has had a few recent changes in her life, so I have tried to be supportive until now.

She looked at me and said that the lord has given her this miracle and he must love her because of this.  She said that if he didn't love her this would not have happened.  That she is a believer and only those who believe will be given this miracle....

I didn't know what to say and just walked away.  She is aware of what we have gone through and it just broke my heart.

How can someone be so stupid...maybe it was me because I thought she was a good and genuine  person....I feel like I have been betrayed by someone and I really don't care to be around this person.  I am angry and I feel like she is trying to justify herself by saying this.  I know this is stupid, but I had to get it off my chest.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

And I'm runnin' runnin'

Yup, here we go...I'm in a chatty mood so I'll tell you what's been going on.  I have an event to attend in November, with a bunch of very athletic folks and needless to say, I haven't been very athletic lately.

So, I'm going to be very honest and tell you my weighty ups and downs.
Starting weight 230-yeah I know...tell me me about it.  Thought I was doing okay, but then got on a scale and actually looked at myself in a mirror.  I was a cow...yup, just put me on a spit and cook me.  At least that is how I felt.

Started going to the gym and when I started the gym I was 227.  (haha I just noticed that it is 227-you know the TV show) Anyway, it's a start.  Going to the gym, eating better.  Ugh, I hate the gym.  However, I am starting to see a difference.  I'm toning up and lung capacity is much better.  May even try running.  (ha ha-that's funny)

Next weigh in 216, holy smokes....This is working!  I still hate the gym, but only because now all I want to do is work out so that I can get to my goal of anything under 2.  Yup, that's my goal...and not to have bat wing arms..(you know the little flap of skin that makes it look like you could fly-yeah-that)...Feeling and bit more self conscience than ever before.  I'n gonna jinx myself  or just go completely hardcore and not be healthy.

So, we've been doing okay (my husband and I) with this whole going to  the gym and eating better...Labor day weekend comes along and we decide to go to Charleston, SC to visit friends for the weekend...Gotta say-I love Charleston and even got a small workout in, but don't think it did much to help with the fabulous food that we also had...yeah...lotsa food.  It was so good and I just wanted more.

We get home and I weigh myself...dun duh da....guess what 221.  F-bomb....what was I thinking...downward spiral...emotions roll up in me and I just want to bawl....I messed up.  Crap.

So after having a so sad for me party this afternoon and doing everything I can to try and stay busy, I took the pup for a 2 mile walk.  I even ran a bit-shhh...don't tell anyone. I guess it could be worse and I didn't go out and do something.  Even though I need to clean out the chickens, but with the rain, I could just see them escaping and me chasing chickens in the rain.  Kinda sounds like a bad country song.

Anyway, as I was slightly distracted...back to the gym tomorrow!  I will keep everyone posted because I know I am not the only one who struggles...I want to share my ups and downs so that not only do I feel better, but hopefully, other folks can see that they are not the only ones...It sucks feeling like you are.

Cheers and have a great night/day/whatever.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Dreams

Well, here we are...again.  More stuff to get off my brain and more random thoughts.  So, dreams...I grew up with dreams, as I'm sure we all do.  If not, then at least we should.  Anyhoo, my dream growing up as I played sports, went to school, and attempted to fit in, was to be a mom.
Let me just say-I was awesome in sports.  I know that sounds shallow, but I was.  I knew better growing up, that playing sports would get me nowhere.  I mean c'mon...how many of us want to grow up playing in the WMBA.  A select few.  I wanted to be a mom to 4 kids, wishing for all boys, girls would be high maintenance.  Seriously, these were my thoughts.  I had faith that everything would play out and my dreams would come true.  uh, yeah...

So I also not only wanted to be a mom, but also a sports announcer for ESPN.  Yeah I know.  I hated being in the center of attention, on screen, and public speaking.  That went out the window.

So where am I going with this?  To be honest, I don't know.  I need to find a new dream, as much as that hurts to say, I feel that this is what I have to do.  I need to move forward with my dreams, now the question is what will it be....and where will it lead me?


Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Reunion...part 1

So, this weekend we went to a family reunion.  I have to say that it was a really nice reunion and ended up seeing a bunch of people I haven't seen in quite a while.   To me reunions are meant to be fun and exciting, however, they are just reminders of the ones who are no longer there and without certain elders in the family, we wouldn't be family at all.  You end up talking to people that you really don't know or want to know.
Reunions are reminders of a time when you were a kid.  I found this one rather depressing.  You go back to the place where you grew up and learned about life.  Where your friends really mattered and life didn't seem to get in the way.  When you could go through the woods and visit your neighbor-without the worry of some stranger grabbing you in the process.
I grew up in a small town.  We had a tobacco field beside the house and cows beside that.  Horses and chickens, along with a random pig running through the backyard.  Full basketball court in the backyard that you could play on all night and at some point a football game in the side yard, when there wasn't a trampoline.  You could also play flashlight tag or hide and go seek in the field beside you.  Oh and the best part about the field, was the fact that you could spend hours upon hours for arrow heads and find them.
Yup, this bit of nostalgia made me miss my old neighbors and friends.  Playing basketball in the gym and causing a controversy on elbows and hands in the face.  This made me miss my grandmother and her fried chicken and cabbage on Sunday afternoons with the family.  Then sitting on the front porch in the rocking chairs watching the cars go by and wondering where they were going and why were they in such a hurry.


Lazy days.  Friends.  Squash pie.  Basketball.  First loves.  Fried chicken.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Growing Up...

So here we are again...Friends moving on...Getting married, engaged, or having kids.  It seems like Spring and Summer is the time of year when people get engaged or find out they are pregnant and life starts moving forward for them.  They start planning a more intense future and start well, moving on.  Sometimes forgetting the friends that they had or even letting their spouse tell them who they can and cannot hang out with. 
Thus, friends begin to disappear.  I had a friend get married and his wife told him that we could not be friends.  This kills me how often spouses do this.  Needless to say, this marriage did not last and now this person ( I have a hard time calling them my friend) is calling to try a "catch back up".  I'm not good when people start disappearing...It hurts.  It makes me feel like I have never been important to you.  Like I was just a friend of convienence. 
So, let me just clarify...super stoked my friends who are getting married have found happiness!  I couldn't be more happier for you.  Just don't forget who you were. 
As for my friends procreating, I also wish you happiness, unfortunately, I know that you will move forward and start planning with other families.  It's just the way life goes-hard as it is to say.  Now there may be a few who will still hang out, but that hardly ever happens.  You've moved forward, but the rest of us are here...